After a Week at Camp...

I am tired. I am worn out. I am thankful. I am convicted. I am desiring more. I am going to do something.

This post will probably be mostly incoherent for those of you who do not understand my thought process. Which should be most people, unless you know something I don't.

I do have something that I will type a blog about later. I don't know when later is.

I feel like my life is quite full. And by 'my life' I actually mean my time. I feel like I am missing out on something. I feel like I am falling dreadfully short of what I want to accomplish with my life. I am so discontent with what I do day by day. I look forward to the things that are 'different' from my routine: Maranatha camp, Bible study, church/youth group. There are things that I want to add to my daily routine: more time in prayer, more time spent reading my Bible, more time spent getting to know my friends and showing them that I truly care about who they are and what they are going through.

It bothers me when I think about how I want to spend my time getting to know people. That is something I (re)learned this week; hearing a person's story, what they have been through, how they got to where they are, where they are now, and what they still struggle with, hearing all of that makes me feel alive. Listening to someone pour out their heart makes me feel like I am doing something right. I'm not sure if you know, but I feel constantly, and I mean constantly, harassed by what I am not doing good enough. It doesn't always come from outside of me, but there is hardly a moment when I don't feel like I could be doing something better. I don't feel that way when I listen to someone. When I pray for or over someone. When I show a friend that I deeply care about them. Maybe there is a reason for that...

I felt like God gave me a clear command this week. I do not know what He meant by it, but I intend to figure that out (haha not by my own power though, no sir!). I felt like God moved in my heart this week, and I am so thankful for that. He has given me a new heart of flesh and removed my old heart of stone. These bones have been raised to life :) [Reference to Ezekiel...I don't remember which chapter(s)]

After this week, I dearly miss some of my friends... Some of my 'old' friends, many of whom I have not even known for more than a year, but have known more about me than some who have known me for years. I miss you, friends. I long to sit down somewhere with you and hear what you have been through, what you are going through. I want to pray for you, pray with you, and watch God come and redeem these broken parts of this world. I would like to hear what God has been doing in your life lately, and if you have been feeling far from Him, I would dearly like to help you get back to Him. Know that He has never left you. Know that He has never stopped loving you. That is something else God showed me this week. God's love goes beyond His wrath! God's love for us goes beyond His hate for the sin that we commit! He loved us, even when we were His enemies, enough to be patient with us and teach us how to live, to be beaten and bleed, to take our punishment, our death, so that we could take on His life. Breathe deep. Breathe in His Spirit, and live. Be refreshed by the God of all things, know that you are loved by the Lord of Lords. Know the Lord, and find out what He wants you to do in this life, on this earth.

Be cut to the heart, and ask what you should do next. Do not sit and wait (unless He tells you to do so) but take action. Speak, if that is what you are called to do. Listen, do not hurry, take time in silence and solitude. (Who am I speaking to anyway?) Be in awe of the Lord and remember who He is and who you are.

Why do you think God says so many times (especially in the books of the Law) 'I am the LORD'?

What do you look forward to?

Tonight, as I was driving back to my house, I thought about my Grammy dying. She has cancer, and she has been going through chemo for almost a year now, I think. Or something around that. Anyway, she has stayed strong through it, and I feel like if she would die tomorrow, I could accept that. (Tomorrow she is getting something done with her lungs; her oxygen levels have been a little variable lately, as I understand things.) I trust that God knows what is best for her, and for my family. And I know I can trust Him with her life, with this situation. I feel peaceful about it, which is not something I have felt in the past few weeks.

Tonight, as I was driving back to my house, I thought about my Grammy dying. I thought about what it will be like to see her again in heaven. I thought about how she will not be frail as she is now. Her right arm will not be shriveled from polio, as it is now. I don't even know if she will be more than 60 years old, as she is now. I thought about how there will be incessant peace and everlasting love. Actually, thought is not the right word. Though, to me, suggests some form of wordage. This was more, considered. Felt. I... I didn't think, not with words. I felt, with...with what? With the Spirit's assistance, of course. (Tangent here, fruit of the Spirit suddenly seem to come into my life. Interesting.)

Thinking about heaven is something that has come to me more in the past year than it has in all my life before then, I think. I even recently bought a book about heaven. Actually it is about what happens after we die, but the evidence pointing towards there being a heaven is quite interesting. Feelings of intense joy, love, and peace. A feeling of finally being at home. The words people use to describe their experiences are non-existent; words cannot accurately describe how it will be after we die. And some people think that consciousness ends after death....but how many of us actually look into that idea, the idea of what happens after we die?

Oh, well I am only 20 years old (Double Digits!!!), I still have 50 or 60 years before I will die. Yeah? Try telling that to the girl who was diagnosed with lukemia when she was a teen. Tell that to the mother who lost her son, when he was 18, in a driving accident. Death doesn't wait for us to be ready. (That was my tone of, you don't know what you are talking about. I may show you sometime, if you really want to hear it. But it might scare you. Seriously.)

What do you have to look forward to? What do you look forward to?

Are those the same question, anyway?

I look forward to giving Jesus a hug. Seriously. Not a prayer-hug, as I have come to eagerly desire as of late, but a full body hug. I know I will not want to let go of my Lord, of my Best Friend.

Sometimes I am scared that God isn't pleased by the things I do. I fear that what I am doing on this earth is not good enough. I fear that I am turning my back on God, and He is getting very angry at me. But when I think about being in heaven and hugging Jesus, guess what? No more fear. Do you know why that is?

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (NIV)

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection]. (Amplified)

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love. (NLT)

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (ESV)

That is because fear and perfect love do not coexist. When love is full, complete, and perfect, there is no fear at all. What is there to be afraid of? You are wholly, utterly, head-over-heels loved by the Greatest Man this world has ever known. He is smart. He is kind. He is wise. He knows when to tell you to stop doing what you are doing and listen. He knows what kind of pain you have been through. He knows what temps you most. He knows how to help you best. He knows where you have been going all your life. He knows that your Father in heaven loves you more than you can imagine. He is powerful; the wind and waves even obey Him. He is alive; He died, but death has no power over Him. He is watching over you now, even asking His Dad to help you in the things you do, asking His Dad to give you what you need to complete what you have been put here for. Even now, He is looking at you, and He sees your heart. He doesn't see your clothes. He doesn't see your shoes. He doesn't see how much makeup you put on. He doesn't see what brand of cologne you wear. He sees your heart. He knows your heart. And He loves your heart, with all that He is.

Do you believe this?

You know what He said? "Don't be afraid, just believe." "With God, all things are possible." "He who asks receives, he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened to him." "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." "I am the First and the Last." "Don't worry." "Surely I am with you always." "I will send you the Helper." "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." "I do not give as the world gives." "I have come that you may have life, and have it to the fullest."

Do you believe this?

What do you look forward to?

Do you see what I have to look forward to?

Do you look forward to it as well?

Do you want to know where all these verses are in the Bible? haha cuz I know I do! The Spirit was definitely feeding me verses there, and I want to look all of them up now :)

Let me know which ones stick out to you, and why :)

(please and thanks)

Going, Going...

But where to?

I feel almost lost. I hesitate to use certain words because I don't want to be over-dramatic.

Tipping Point isn't coming tonight. No Sir.

Friends, let me tell you a little secret. (that probably isn't the right word but oh well)

I prefer that you be honest with me. If you think I am making a bad decision, let me know, please. If you think I am being incredibly stupid or unnecessarily silly, let me know, please. If you think you may offend me, say it anyway. I prefer truth. I will come to understand at some point, and I may argue with you, but please...speak truth. Don't settle for a lie because you think it is better for me, that I won't get hurt, because sometimes the truth hurts. Don't think you know what is best for me, because you may not. God loves us perfectly, right? And do you think He keeps the truth from us?
Sometimes, yeah, He does. So hey, is it a balancing act? Bah, I don't know. But in the situations I am speaking about above, I think it is better to be told a stinging truth than a fluffy lie.

Because sometimes, I just need to hear the truth. Sometimes I need to be told that what I am doing is not right. Sometimes, you just have to tell me that once, and not keep going about it for unnecessary amounts of time. Because, lets be honest here, I am obviously not anything near perfect, and I still have pride. I despise that part of me, but it is still there. And the fleshy/sinful side of me wants to keep that pride quite intact, thankyouverymuch! So I may be hurt by the truth, I may feel like you are attacking me or something, and I may try to defend myself. But just let me know what you believe to be truth. And if I am willing to talk with you about it, then let's have a discussion :) I like talking with my friends.

Let me know if you would like me to try and do the same for you: Tell you the truth, even if I think it may hurt you in some way. Because I believe the truth will, at some point or another, bring about something that is much better than lies.

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me! Can any of you prove me guilty of sin? If I am telling the truth, why don’t you believe me?

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Excerpts from John chapters 8 and 14.