Right now, there are many things that hurt. But here is one.
I gave a little bit of this, from a different angle, in my other blog. But this one is more personal, so it goes here.
It hurts me to see my friends hurt. It hurts me when I see them struggling, but it hurts me even more to find out that they have been hurting and I was unaware of it. Because when I am unaware, that means I am not involved in their life in a way that I want to be. Because it hurts me more to see them hurting and not know what to do to help. It hurts me more to see them hurting and feel like I don't have time to help them. It makes me want to scream at myself, "What are you doing with your life right now?" And not in a nice tone. Not at all.
It hurts me to see what I am doing with my life right now. It hurts me to see that I have not invested in more than 3 to 5 friendships this semester. It hurts me to see how I have fallen from where I was this summer and last spring. It hurts me that I have to try and push all of this away so that I can go to class in 10 minutes.
I guess what hurts the most is the crushing disappointment that I feel right now. It hurts feeling like I am stuck in some position because I know what I want to do, I think I know what God wants me to do, and I hear what a select few want me to do. It hurts me to not see my friends very often and not be able to talk with them and know them and learn about what is going on in their lives. It hurts me to complain so much, because I know there will be those of you who read this and say, 'Oh Nick, life is not always fun and butterflies. Get used to it!' and you probably mean well with that, but I am not going to live this life in a way that is normal. I am not going to get used to having pain here, because I am going to fight this. I want to be one of those people who hears, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.' And I don't expect to hear that if I just get used to the pain here. Have you heard the story about the girl throwing starfish back into the ocean? Well I want to help those starfish too, and I know there are many more that are hurting, but I will do what I can for who I can. But right now, I am not doing enough. So I will keep striving.