It's been a while since I blog'd

Colossians 1:21-23 (NIV)-
Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now He has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation— if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant.

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Wow. Ok now I don't want to be cheesy, but seriously this is crazy. The crazy part isn't even that we were God's enemies - to me, it is that we are now "holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation..." Wow.

I have a hard time believing that, most of the time...you know what I mean? But when I actually take the time to think through it, to sort of have a conversation with God about it (I'll explain), then it seems to make sense and I can start to believe that truth about myself, at least for a time. To me it is like, how could God forgive me for being so selfish and prideful and angry? I mean, He sees my inmost thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. Of all people/beings, God has the most right to say, "No, you have done too much wrong to be forgiven."

But that's not what He says...He says, "Come now, let us settle the matter...Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." (Isaiah 1:18)

He says that what He did on this earth and on the cross was (more than?) enough to forgive me for the terrible things I've done and thought and said and even all of the things I should have done but didn't do. He says that if that wouldn't have been enough to forgive all of the sin, He wouldn't have done it. Jesus didn't leave heaven and live and die on earth so that we could be partially forgiven and then work to try and make up the rest. That'ts not how it works. That's not how God forgives, and that is not what grace is. You know the song, "Amazing Grace"? There is a reason for the title of the song.

So here is another set of Bible verses that kind of does a good job of showing what grace is like. The prophet Elisha is helping out the king of Israel, but the king of Aram doesn't like this, so he sends an army to capture Elisha.

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2 Kings 6:15-22

When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked.

“Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

As the enemy came down toward him, Elisha prayed to the Lord, “Strike this army with blindness.” So He struck them with blindness, as Elisha had asked.

Elisha told them, “This is not the road and this is not the city. Follow me, and I will lead you to the man you are looking for.” And he led them to Samaria.

After they entered the city, Elisha said, “Lord, open the eyes of these men so they can see.” Then the Lord opened their eyes and they looked, and there they were, inside Samaria.

When the king of Israel saw them, he asked Elisha, “Shall I kill them, my father? Shall I kill them?”

“Do not kill them,” he answered. “Would you kill those you have captured with your own sword or bow? Set food and water before them so that they may eat and drink and then go back to their master.” So he prepared a great feast for them, and after they had finished eating and drinking, he sent them away, and they returned to their master. So the bands from Aram stopped raiding Israel’s territory.

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On a side note, here is some more music I downloaded recently:
http://noisetrade.com/gungormusic
http://noisetrade.com/jasongray
http://noisetrade.com/colortherapy
http://noisetrade.com/jarsofclay

"Live Like That" / Reanimating Play-doh

Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs

Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those
Was my worship more than just a song

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

Am I proof
That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart
Do I live like Your love is true

People pass
And even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I've been changed
When they see me, do they see You

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

I want to show the world the love You gave for me
I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

"Live Like That" by Sidewalk Prophets

Listening to this song right now..I think it is something that many of us can relate to, even if the goal isn't exactly what this song describes. Doesn't everyone want to change something about themselves? It is not easy or pleasant to think about. But here is another question: Why? Why do so many of us feel the desire to change something about ourselves? And does merely thinking about the change help? Well it actually might, but that would be another post. Is the reason we want to change because we don't think our current lives are not [insert word here] enough? Not fun enough? Not happy enough? Not social enough? Not smart enough? And is this a reflection of our lives in general, or do we see ourselves as something that won't change, because we can't change? I think there are many things we can change about ourselves, but we often don't realize that or understand that. Of course there are things like genetics and upbringing and that sort of thing; our background and past does influence us - there is no doubt about that. But that doesn't change that fact that we are not completely set in our ways.

Have you ever played with play-doh or silly putty? Sometimes, if you let it sit out for too long, it gets dry and hard and brittle. You can't shape it as easily, and it isn't as fun to play with. But there is usually a way to get it to be malleable again. Sometimes just warming it up helps, other times you need a little water or oil or something else to get it moist again. Maybe you are at the place where you feel like some dried out play-doh. You feel like you aren't adjusting to things as well as you used to, or you just feel brittle. Well you aren't the only one, for starters. Life here on earth isn't easy, and everyone knows that. But God knows just what it will take to get you (and me) back to a place where we are feeling better and living better. Like adding water or heat or oil to play-doh or silly putty. It will take some time - even though God is not contained in time, we still are. And it might be a little uncomfortable (or a lot uncomfortable, it partially depends on what sort of habits we have gotten into) but God knows it will be worth it: "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God's plans are good, and they are to prosper us! Who doesn't want to prosper? God's plans for us give us a hope and a future. I like the sound of that :)

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"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity." -Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Is belief in a higher power (such as God) required to motivate a person to do virtuous acts?

When I consider this question, my first response is that ethics do not require a person to believe in God or Gods or some transcendent source such as the Dao to motivate him or her to do virtuous acts. I say this because I know a few people who do not have any sort of belief in a God (that I know of) but they still seem to want to do ‘good things’ like help others out or donate money to charity. However, I do know that for two of these friends in particular, I have had conversations with them about what I believe and what they believe, and it seems like they both have what could be described as agnostic beliefs. They both feel like there is some sort of higher power, but there is no definite ‘being’ that they believe in. I am not sure if this belief motivates them to do these good deeds, or if it is simply because society looks positively upon such acts. I have also met someone who claims to be entirely atheist, having no belief in any God or Gods, but who still attends church mission trips because he likes the atmosphere (or something like that). In my brief conversations with him, he talked about how he feels like love is a good thing and likes to be in places and with people where love is common, but he doesn’t want anything to do with religion or belief in any sort of higher power. Again, I am not sure if he simply has some doubts about the non-existence of God or if he is absolutely sure about it and simply wants to help others, or extend some sort of love to other people. Personally, I feel like there is no reason to want to help others if you do not have any belief in God, Gods, or any higher power (and therefore any sort of judgment/accountability for your actions or an afterlife of some kind). To live as if there is no higher power or reason to act in a moral manner is to live as evolution teaches us to live: survival of the fittest. If the only benefit for being nice is to possibly make a friend and have that advantage in life, it does not help a person be more reproductively successful, which is the end goal of life (according to the idea of natural selection, as I understand it). If we are simply ‘meat computers’ (as I have heard it said) and nothing more, then our actions cease to matter after we have died. You can make the argument that doing something ‘big’ will change the course of human history, but every scientist (again, that I know of) agrees that the earth will not last forever, and after the sun expands and destroys this planet, what will be left of our lives? I feel that in a view that does not include God (or any higher power or afterlife), our lives are entirely meaningless. So, to follow that stream of thought would lead to the conclusion that you do need to believe in some sort of God, Gods, or higher power/moral order to be motivated to do virtuous acts. However, as I stated above, I have friends who do not express any belief in God or a higher power, yet still feel motivated to do good works. So either my logic is flawed at some point, or my friends have beliefs that I do not see. Either case seems equally likely in my opinion.

12 Step Program

So, in a Bible study I go to, we recently started going over The(?) 12 Step Program to help a person get past an addiction. It is popularly known by its use in Alcoholics Anonymous, and the leaders/hosts of the Bible study have both been through AA and are recovering alcoholics - they have personal experience with the program and its success.
The 12 Step program was mentioned in my Abnormal Psych class the other day, but the grad student who was giving the lecture (My professor focuses on a different subject matter and is starting to invite guest lecturers in to cover topics he is not as familiar with.), she mentioned that the 12 step program was good for people who are at a point where they want to get help and get past an addiction, but that the program had been criticized for its emphasis on spirituality, which is not for everyone.

And that is what I want to vent about, sort of. Because when I hear something like, "Spirituality/Religion/God is not for everyone," what I am actually hearing is "The truth is not for everyone." And I am strongly against that stance. I believe that everyone deserves to hear and know the truth. But, I don't think that the person/people who would make a statement like the first would understand that I transition to the second almost instantly. And this, I think, is the underlying issue. Or at least one of them.

The issue I talk about the is question about whether or not there is absolute truth. Is it an absolute truth that God, heaven, and hell exist, or do they just exist for me because I believe in them? (the second part being a relativistic truth system)
I've been thinking about it lately, sort of. I can come up with several arguments against that idea, the one about relative truth, but I have a hard time coming up with arguments for that idea. I would like to think that this is one of a few discussions that I don't know much about both sides while still holding a firm stance, but I don't know for sure. That being said, if you have any arguments for the idea of relative truth (regardless of your personal beliefs), I would be happy to hear them, because I don't want to just rant at nothing.

Relative truth. What I believe exists for me, and what you believe exists for you. Everyone wins, right? But what happens when I try to do that with a physical object? You throw a baseball at me, and I will choose to believe that you did not throw a baseball at me. Now, depending on your accuracy, I will get hit with a baseball. That is what happens, physical things do not disappear simply because we choose not to believe in them. (haha the idea of the cat in the box comes to mind...but I think that has more to do with atomic/nuclear things rather than spiritual things. I could be wrong, feel free to correct me.)
If you choose to believe that the speed limit is 50 mph and drive accordingly, you will still get pulled over if you are driving on a street where the speed limit is 35 and there is a police vehicle watching for speeders. Your beliefs do not change reality. Neither do mine. We will still be held accountable for speeding, even though we may choose to believe otherwise. (possible circumstances where you don't get a ticket: you are not from the area and did not know what the speed limit was, maybe you bribe the police officer or something else illegal, like running away. There are probably more.)

So, does this idea apply to spiritual/religious/God things as well as physical things? Obviously I think so... If I would choose to believe that God did not exist, that I did not have a soul that endures beyond my physical body, that would not change the reality of those things. If I choose to believe that God will not find out or punish me for doing something like running over pedestrians while driving 50 in a 35, that does not change the reality that I will receive punishment for such things. (Now here is where the Gospel comes in. Interesting, because I never intended to make that point. God is pretty neat :P )

As a side note: I am assuming the presence of a spiritual reality, which I know is not agreed upon by all. I can write another blog about why I believe that, but you may have to ask me to or let me know somehow or another. But this one is about truth.

So what is truth? Jesus claimed He was truth. Jesus claimed that He was the only way to the Father (God). (Another possible tangent: Was Jesus being close-minded? Was He being arrogant in saying He is the 'only way'?) Jesus said that He was the one that the Jewish prophets talked about when they talked about a sacrifice that would be sufficient for all sin, for all people. They talk about a person who is God incarnate, someone who is a ruler and a king, someone who is a servant, who is beaten and ultimately executed. This is the same someone, and many believe that Jesus is the person they were describing. Jesus said that He is/was the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and that no one comes to God except through Him (John 14:6). That sounds pretty absolute. And if Jesus was serious, and correct, about the claims He made, then shouldn't we take them seriously? Shouldn't we look at what Jesus claimed before we try to dismiss Him as some other crazy guy who thought he was God? What merit does Jesus, or the Bible, have? I think these questions are worth answering because, again, if what is in the Bible is true, and if what Jesus said is true, then it is of the utmost importance.

Conglomerate n. - a bunch of things

husband and wife, God and church - insults/disrespect
So today I was thinking about what might happen if someone were to insult my wife. (I was thinking about the future.) I feel like, depending on who it is and what is said, I would have to restrain myself from punching them right in the mouth. Or at least the face. Now, for those of you that don't know me well, I don't get angry/violent about much. That, however, would make me pretty mad. But no one is going to treat my wife that way.
And then a thought came to me: How does God feel when His bride is insulted or disrespected? I'm sure He is quite upset about it. I mean, His love far surpasses any sort of love that I will ever feel. And since God is outside of time, things that hurt don't exactly go away with the passage of time, as I understand things. (The idea comes from something I am pretty sure CS Lewis wrote, that we are under the illusion that our sins are somehow not as bad after 'enough time' passes.) Honestly, I feel kind of sorry for anyone who insults, disrespects, or imitates the bride of Christ. Because God has said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay. In due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is near and their doom rushes upon them."

beauty and nature
At another point in time today, I was thinking about just enjoying the weather and nature and the earth and sunshine. I wanted to stand barefoot in the grass and feel the warmth from the sun and the grass by my feet. I wanted to relish in it, to enjoy it, to take it in, to be healed. Being there (in my head), I could only wonder, How could someone take all this in and not think that there is purpose behind it? And I heard a reply, How can you see all this and say, 'Oh, there must be a God.'? And the truth is, I don't. But I also don't see how you can see all this and say, 'There is no purpose, it all happened by chance. This is a chance collection of atoms that has no reason to be.'
And then I thought, where does that sense of beauty and awe of nature come from in the first place? Why are people so moved to keep trees and the land alive so that they even stand in front of large machines or tie themselves to trees or something else like that? Why is it of such consensus that the earth is a valuable resource, that nature is good to look at and appreciate? Why is it that things like art and music appeal so much to so many? I want you to wonder that as well. Why do we appreciate and desire things that are given the quality of 'beautiful' or 'beauty'? Where does that even come from?

finding something of substance in conversations -I think I desire close relationships instead of frivolous friendships
Lately, I have noticed that I have not been as patient around others as I normally am. I'm going to be honest here, and I hope you can handle it. I don't say it to be insulting or disrespectful, I just want to be open and honest. Because I desire openness and honesty. I desire relationships that are worth something to me, that are deep and meaningful and have truth at their core. I don't want frivolous friendships far and wide.
Lately, I have noticed that I seem to get irritable around groups of more than 4 people when I am with them for more than about 10 minutes at a time. I noticed that I feel like I am forcing laughter, rather than feeling it and expressing it. I don't like that. I kept thinking - and realized that perhaps it was more that I just wanted to be around certain people, that I wanted to know certain people more and let them know that they are valued and appreciated and desired. (On a side note, maybe I'm shallow, but I don't think that is what is happening here. I may write another blog about that.)
I realized that because I know I haven't gotten irritable around everyone I've been with. There are a few people that I enjoy being with, and that I want to be with more. There are a few relationships that I feel are about to be even better than they were before, and I am eager to have that happen. I desire relationships that are real, that are honest and open, that involve maturity and immaturity. I desire relationships that are not based on something stupid like school or a job or which dining hall I go to. I want relationships that are deep, that are connecting and push me to be a better person.

And the relationship I want to grow the most is my relationship with God. I feel like I have almost forgotten who He is and what He wants for me. I feel like God is looking toward me and saying, "When can we hang out and talk? I miss you." And I miss God too...

You may not want to read this...

...the whole way through, but trust me, it should get better. Challenging things always do, don't they?

So here is my challenge to you (and myself, haha always myself included in this) : Consider that you are small. Realize that you are small. Accept that you are small. And then...well I'll get there ;)

Earlier today, I was talking with a friend about how life is beautiful. More than that, she was explaining to me how life is beautiful, because, I'll be honest, it is hard to see at times. And lately, it has been one of those times. I have been going through, well, no. I know people who have been going through tough times lately, and that weighs on my heart.

And she mentioned how it feels to stand at the base of a tall building and feel small, almost as if the building is about to fall on top of you.

And here we are.

A couple weeks ago, I went to Chicago. Twas my first time there, and I was in the downtown part of it, as I understand things. I saw taller buildings than I have probably ever seen (not counting the Space Needle in Seattle) and it was fantastic. I mean that in the etymological (with the root of 'fantasy') sense as well as the common-societal sense (as in being wonderful or something). It was hard to walk while looking up at the buildings, because I felt like I was going to fall over. Even just standing still and looking up at the top of one of them made you feel like you were falling over if the clouds were moving behind the building. Crazy stuff!

A couple weeks ago, my grandma passed away. The only other death in my family I have experienced was my great-grandpa, but I was significantly closer to my grandma. It is an odd thing when someone who has always been in your life is gone, and for a long time. As in, until I go to where she is now. It may seem ironic, but death is a part of life. Everyone, no matter your wealth, skill, social influence, popularity, or anything else you can think of, will die. Even God, when He was a human on this earth, experienced death. We seem to get so used to life (Tangent: What is it to really live vs. just survive?) that we are almost surprised by death...it is a reminder that what we have here is temporary.

Have you ever tried to take in the vast complexity of our planet? (please forgive me for the potentially cheesy vernacular) Have you thought about the different cycles and processes that allow it to continue to do what it does? Do you think about how weather is the way our planet circulates heat around its surface? Do you realize that the primary source of energy for our planet is about 93 million miles away, but that to be any significant distance nearer to or farther from it would be to end life as we know it?

We are small. Yes, we have made it outside of our own planet's atmosphere, but at a significant cost: it uses money, time, resources (materials like metal and oxygen and whatnot), and even the very lives of some humans and other animals. We have to be concerned about falling a distance that is more than our height. How many people die each day because they do not get adequate food or clean water?

And how many of those people matter? If 10 people die in an accident, how many lives are affected?

Have you ever watched the ripples in water when a single rock is tossed into it? Have you seen what happens to the ripples when multiple rocks are tossed into it? The resulting ripples from throwing stones increase exponentially in complexity when more rocks are thrown. Humans are more complicated than water. What do you think happens to us when 'rocks' are tossed into our lives?

We are small. And we are of such great importance. We were made in the image of God. Now, what that means, I am not entirely sure. But what I do know is that nothing else in all of creation was made in the image of God except humans. Stars and galaxies were not made in His image. Mountains and forests were not made in His image. Angels and oceans were not made in His image. But we were!

When God decided that He was going to come to this earth, to limit himself and become a human, with human qualities - physical and otherwise - He knew what was going to happen. He knew He would be rejected and scorned, insulted, beaten, spit on. He knew He would pay the price that was deserved by many. He knew that He would take the wrath and punishment that the Father directed towards us. And He still planned on it, from the day before creation (see Ephesians 1). He counted the cost worth what was to be gained (Isiah 53) - our hearts, our minds, our entire being.

You are more than the choices that you've made

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes

You are more than the problems you create

You've been remade

Cause this is not about what you've done

But what's been done for you

This is not about where you've been

But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel

But what He felt to forgive you

And what He felt to make you know...

You are more. (by Tenth Avenue North)

We are small, and we are more than what we are. haha funny how God seems to cause seemingly contradictory things like that. We are wretched and beautiful, sinful and righteous. Although, to be fair, we are wretched and sinful, but God makes us beautiful and righteous. Right on :)

What do you look forward to?

Tonight, as I was driving back to my house, I thought about my Grammy dying. She has cancer, and she has been going through chemo for almost a year now, I think. Or something around that. Anyway, she has stayed strong through it, and I feel like if she would die tomorrow, I could accept that. (Tomorrow she is getting something done with her lungs; her oxygen levels have been a little variable lately, as I understand things.) I trust that God knows what is best for her, and for my family. And I know I can trust Him with her life, with this situation. I feel peaceful about it, which is not something I have felt in the past few weeks.

Tonight, as I was driving back to my house, I thought about my Grammy dying. I thought about what it will be like to see her again in heaven. I thought about how she will not be frail as she is now. Her right arm will not be shriveled from polio, as it is now. I don't even know if she will be more than 60 years old, as she is now. I thought about how there will be incessant peace and everlasting love. Actually, thought is not the right word. Though, to me, suggests some form of wordage. This was more, considered. Felt. I... I didn't think, not with words. I felt, with...with what? With the Spirit's assistance, of course. (Tangent here, fruit of the Spirit suddenly seem to come into my life. Interesting.)

Thinking about heaven is something that has come to me more in the past year than it has in all my life before then, I think. I even recently bought a book about heaven. Actually it is about what happens after we die, but the evidence pointing towards there being a heaven is quite interesting. Feelings of intense joy, love, and peace. A feeling of finally being at home. The words people use to describe their experiences are non-existent; words cannot accurately describe how it will be after we die. And some people think that consciousness ends after death....but how many of us actually look into that idea, the idea of what happens after we die?

Oh, well I am only 20 years old (Double Digits!!!), I still have 50 or 60 years before I will die. Yeah? Try telling that to the girl who was diagnosed with lukemia when she was a teen. Tell that to the mother who lost her son, when he was 18, in a driving accident. Death doesn't wait for us to be ready. (That was my tone of, you don't know what you are talking about. I may show you sometime, if you really want to hear it. But it might scare you. Seriously.)

What do you have to look forward to? What do you look forward to?

Are those the same question, anyway?

I look forward to giving Jesus a hug. Seriously. Not a prayer-hug, as I have come to eagerly desire as of late, but a full body hug. I know I will not want to let go of my Lord, of my Best Friend.

Sometimes I am scared that God isn't pleased by the things I do. I fear that what I am doing on this earth is not good enough. I fear that I am turning my back on God, and He is getting very angry at me. But when I think about being in heaven and hugging Jesus, guess what? No more fear. Do you know why that is?

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (NIV)

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and [so] he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love's complete perfection]. (Amplified)

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love. (NLT)

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (ESV)

That is because fear and perfect love do not coexist. When love is full, complete, and perfect, there is no fear at all. What is there to be afraid of? You are wholly, utterly, head-over-heels loved by the Greatest Man this world has ever known. He is smart. He is kind. He is wise. He knows when to tell you to stop doing what you are doing and listen. He knows what kind of pain you have been through. He knows what temps you most. He knows how to help you best. He knows where you have been going all your life. He knows that your Father in heaven loves you more than you can imagine. He is powerful; the wind and waves even obey Him. He is alive; He died, but death has no power over Him. He is watching over you now, even asking His Dad to help you in the things you do, asking His Dad to give you what you need to complete what you have been put here for. Even now, He is looking at you, and He sees your heart. He doesn't see your clothes. He doesn't see your shoes. He doesn't see how much makeup you put on. He doesn't see what brand of cologne you wear. He sees your heart. He knows your heart. And He loves your heart, with all that He is.

Do you believe this?

You know what He said? "Don't be afraid, just believe." "With God, all things are possible." "He who asks receives, he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened to him." "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." "I am the First and the Last." "Don't worry." "Surely I am with you always." "I will send you the Helper." "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." "I do not give as the world gives." "I have come that you may have life, and have it to the fullest."

Do you believe this?

What do you look forward to?

Do you see what I have to look forward to?

Do you look forward to it as well?

Do you want to know where all these verses are in the Bible? haha cuz I know I do! The Spirit was definitely feeding me verses there, and I want to look all of them up now :)

Let me know which ones stick out to you, and why :)

(please and thanks)

It's Kind of a Funny Story

Um...I want to kill myself...

{hands over paperwork}

--Oh great...that will help people, won't it? I know it is supposed to be funny...but is it accurate? When a person comes to us with something they need help with...do we give them help, or a process? I know those may be the same...but paperwork?

Man, you are stressed out for 16. You need to relax.

I thought you guys could do something quick...I didn't think I'd be committed... 5 days? I can't be here till Thursday...I'll miss school, and my friends will find out where I am.

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of.

Some of the people here are.. really messed up.

They're professionals, they can help you in ways that..we..can't...

--Letting go is tough, isn't it? But is it better than holding on?

You should know, Craig, if you don't open up, you're never gonna heal.

--Is this true? And if it is not, how will you heal on your own? They say that time heals all things. Is that true?

Well I have 8 dollars..

Well you don't have to brag about it! People here have nothing. Show a little humility!

Why'd you stop taking [Zoloft]?

I guess I felt like I didn't need it..

Maybe that means it was working :)

Do you have anyone you can explain it to? Friends? Family?

I have friends..and family but, its not always easy.

--He puts school high on his list of priorities. He keeps asking if he can get out so he can go to school... That kinda makes me sad.

Yeah, I don't get wrapped up in a bunch of stuff I don't have.

--Who does? Do you? Do I? How do you know?

Why won't you accept [his offer of kindness]?

Because I don't want any handouts.

--Is that pride? Or is it a legitimate reason?

I see a therapist...yeah, it's pretty embarrassing.

--Why is it embarrassing? Because we don't have it together? And if everyone is embarrassed that they don't have it together...what does that mean?

I guess..I didn't really want to kill myself. But I kind of did. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

--He is so concerned about being around people who are different than him. Why does that make us uncomfortable?

There is so nothing wrong with you!

Yes there is!

--Is there something to be gained by admitting that we have a problem?

I don't have any friends.

This is very tough thing to learn.

--The truth can hurt..and the truth will set you free... What do you think about those statements?

You shouldn't stress about it. That doesn't mean it isn't important, though.

--Is that conflicting in any way? Why or how? And have you ever heard anyone say something like that before?

And was that difficult, seeing Bobby like that?

I was scared..seeing someone fall apart like that. All the stress and pressure and anxiety just bubbling up. But I'm never able to let it out like that, I always keep it inside.

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I can't change, the courage for the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

It's like, get a clue dad! There is something bigger going on.

And what is that?

I don't know, but it feels big.

--Have you ever thought about that?

There are some cool people in here.

--When is that true? Where is that true? What determines whether or not it is true? Does it have to deal with how well you know the people there?

Cool Craig what are you afraid of? c'mon!

Why can't we give love a chance?

--What would that involve? And, instead of thinking about the risks, what are the potential gains? What are the potential gains that we don't know/think about, too?

You've really gotta get out of the room more...there is a whole world out there.

--Quite the perspective change :)

Well, I like her, but I think I'd be too nervous to ask her out.

What are you nervous about?

Rejection..

Man, you can't let you live by fear. Otherwise you might end up like Muqtada. Or you might end up like me.

Uh...

That is the part where you say 'Your life is not that bad.'

Oh, sorry...

--Let's be honest, who is not nervous or afraid of rejection?

And I've uh..tried to kill myself 6 times.

I thought about doing that...but I couldn't.

Well what stopped you?

My family I think...knowing how bad I'd mess them up.

See, that's the part I don't get, Craig. I mean, you're cool, you're smart, you're talented. You have a family that loves you. You know, what I would do just to be you, for just a day? I would... I would do so much. I would... I don't know. I would just... I'd just live. Like it meant something.

--What do we take for granted? Do you see the things that others see in you? In your life?

This is enough for one day, I think.

--Baby steps. Baby steps :)

--The breaking point. Here it is. He is looking at the drawing... 'Under Pressure'

Things are going to change now. Let's see what happens :)

You've had it figured out all along...never get out of the bed.

--Back to this logic. Why? He was hurt. He got rejected. Twice. Shot down. Turned away.

Being not busy being born is busy dying.

[There are so many people struggling to live...]

Have you told [your dad] how you feel?

Not yet.

But you will?

....I think so.

So you're in love with her?

No.

Well of course not. You thought she was hot, so you told her what you thought she wanted to hear.

--Boom roasted.

I like how you don't hide your problems like everyone else. And I don't feel like I have to hide mine when I'm around you.

--How freeing is that? Have you experienced it?

So, how come you never asked me why?

I guess I just assumed you would tell me when you wanted me to know.

Thanks.

I know I might hide it pretty well, but I get that depression stuff too, sometimes. Don't kill yourself, k? Seriously..

{bro hug}

--It is amazing what happens when you get to know a person as a person. When you get to know what they like and don't like. Who they've been and who they don't want to be. (haha I know I'm quoting The Fray, but I think it is true :P) You can really help someone to be who they were meant to be.

It'll come to ya!

Okay, I know you're thinking, "What is this? Kid spends a few days in the hospital and all his problems are cured?" But I'm not. I know I'm not. I can tell this is just the beginning. I still need to face my homework, my school, my friends. My dad. But the difference between today and last Saturday is that for the first time in a while, I can look forward to the things I want to do in my life. Bike, eat, drink, talk. Ride the subway, read, read maps. Make maps, make art. Finish the Gates application. Tell my dad not to stress about it. Hug my mom. Kiss my little sister. Kiss my dad. Make out with Noelle. Make out with her more. Take her on a picnic. See a movie with her. See a movie with Aaron. Heck, see a movie with Nia. Have a party. Tell people my story. Volunteer at 3 North. Help people like Bobby. Like Muqtada. Like me. Draw more. Draw a person. Draw a naked person. Draw Noelle naked. Run, travel, swim, skip. Yeah, I know it's lame, but, whatever. Skip anyway. Breathe... Live.

--Now the movie is over. And here are some of my last thoughts :)

The dad. Too focused on work to notice what his son is going through. Too focused on work to notice what his son actually cares about. To notice what the 'bigger thing' is.

What happens when we get focused on one thing? Or even a couple of things? Is it better to focus on one or a few things? Or is it better to keep a wide view?

This could be very important for your future.

But what about now??

--This is from the deleted scenes, but I feel like it is so true...we concern ourselves so much with the future, it seems. Is it such that we are so focused on the future that we forget about the present?

Gah, I know I do sometimes. I start thinking about what I want to do after college, but before that what classes I have to take, and what if I don't graduate in four years? and what if I don't graduate at all? What would happen if I just sort of went off and did something that everyone did not expect?

But I have to be reminded that I am living now. I am living here. I am not living in the future, and I am not living 'there', wherever 'there' may be. I may do something that no one expects, but I would have to do it now, wouldn't I? I know there is planning involved, but eh. An idea I have heard: We figure out the what, and leave the how up to God. What do you think about that phrase?

I know I asked a lot of questions in this one. That may be because I liked the movie, and I felt like it was pretty easy to identify with the main character. It might be because I have wanted to see this for a while. It might be because I simply opened up my 'questioning mechanism' a little more. Or perhaps it would be better stated that I lessened the filtering I do from my mind to my typing. I ask a lot of questions. And I ask because I want to get to know you. So if you feel like I am asking too much, just let me know. I'll stop asking questions for a while :)

But I will still want to get to know you more ;)

Fight Club! (again)

Its only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything.

Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

Homework assignment
--Hey, is that a gun?

Meet me in the back.

--What are you doing??

Meet me in the back.

[In a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.]

Raymond, you are going to die.

What did you study Raymond?

Why?

What did you want to be Raymond K. Hessel?

The question, RAYMOND, was what did you want to be?

--A vet...too much school...

Would you rather be dead, would you rather die here on your knees in the back of a convenience store?

Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your f***ing khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

Like a monkey ready to be shot into space. Like space monkey, ready to die for the greater good.

Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Hi. You're going to call off your rigorous investigation. You're going to publicly state that there is no underground group. Or... these guys are going to take your balls. They're going to send one to the New York Times, one to the LA Times press-release style. Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not... f*** with us.

Is this about you and me?

F*** what you know. You need to forget about what you know, that's your problem. Forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, and especially about you and me.

Guys, what would you wish you'd done before you died?
Guy: Paint a self-portrait.
Other guy: Build a house.
And you?

--I don't know. Turn the wheel now, come on!
You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?

--I don't know, I wouldn't feel anything good about my life, is that what you want to hear me say? Fine. Come on!
Not good enough.

In death, a member of Project Mayhem has a name.

--His name is Robert Paulson.

---His name is Robert Paulson.

All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I f*** like you wanna f***, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.

And in the end, what is it that really matters?

This is why I like this movie a lot. Well, this is part of why I like this movie a lot. It makes you question things. What is real? What is important? What do we do in our minds that we don't even realize we are doing?

Can one person change the world?

If one person cannot change the world, what is the least amount of people you have to have before you can?

If one person can organize a group, what is not possible for them to accomplish?

When we realize that we have lost everything...can we do anything?

Its only after we've lost everything that we are free to do anything.

I Feel Great

Just peachy-keen-lemonade-goodness. I feel thankful! I feel loved :)

I feel a bit tired, but mostly I feel like I am waiting for something. What am I waiting for?

Maybe I should just go to bed.

I'll let you know more, haha my bad :P

I just got back to my house after going to a church sermon (of sorts) that lasted about 6 hours, with 10 minute breaks every now and then. It was amazing! Secret Church 2011. Good stuff! Check out Twitter, I heard there were a lot of 'tweets' on there. Or just google search it.

Anyway! The speaker basically went through the whole gospel. Outlined our sinfulness, God's goodness and holiness. Talked about how God is just, loving, merciful, and He has nothing but absolute wrath for evil. In fact, God abhors those who do evil. (It is in the Psalms, I can find it if you want.) I don't know about you, but I do evil :/

And that reaction, in itself(!) is enough to make me wonder how much I really care... As it was said tonight, true repentance involves a feeling of regret and a decision to turn the other way. A decision to run towards God. And in order to turn and run towards one thing, you must turn and run away from another thing.

Then we talked a lot about faith, and justification, and works, and sanctification, and it was really interesting! I learned some things about 'official' Catholic doctrine that was quite concerning, and I was reminded that just because it is the 'official' doctrine does not mean that every individual who claims to be Catholic believes those things. People are different. Opinions are different. Experiences are different.

But God is always good :)

Propitiation was mentioned, which is similar to atonement. We talked about the different parts of what happens when a person repents and believes. We talked about why Jesus died, and about what happens now that Jesus has gone up to heaven. In plain speech, we talked about some of the activities of the Holy Spirit and what it means to be adopted as a child of God :)

Then we talked about more stuff that I am currently not remembering apparently, and then we talked about the idea of election and God's will and love. That is, God's will is that all people be saved, and His love extends to all of creation, which includes all humans. Yet, God's character, which includes justice, would not simply allow anything that was not good into heaven, and would also punish anything that was not good. That would be just. And so we have the problem of predestination and free will. But, it was late, so we didn't go into it too much. I really liked the analogy that was used at the end though :)

There should be more to come, as I keep reading Romans and consider posting my thoughts here.

What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. -Philippians 3:8-9

The Struggle with Evil

Many call it a problem. Some call it an issue. Everyone agrees, it is bad.

Pain. Illness. Worry. Death.

What are these things? Why are they here? If God is omnipotent, omniscient, wise, loving, and merciful, why do we still have these things? Sin sucks, no doubt, but what is stopping God from stopping sin? Why does God not stop the things that hurt us? Why does God not heal the ones we love and are now missing? If God has the power to stop these things, then why do they still happen? Certainly they are not part of His will, are they? Is pain something that God wills us to go through? Are illness, worry, and death things that He wants us to experience? And if not, then why does He not stop them, why does He not mitigate them, why are they still here?

People feel alone. They are afraid that no one understands them. They want friends to provide the comfort, the healing that they are yearning for...but what human can provide comfort from loneliness at any and all times of day? If you have not already learned it, take it from one with experience: humans, even your best friends, will let you down. It may not be today, or tomorrow, or even a month from now, but it will happen. We are prone to it, prone to....to what? to hurt? Perhaps. To disappoint? I suppose. Prone to...forget? Prone to leave?

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

We are prone to go against God...? I think that makes sense, and it is biblical. (Tangent available: True because it is in the Bible, or in the Bible because it is true?) And if we are prone to go against God, what does that entail? Going from the description above, we are prone to go against omnipotence, omniscience, wisdom, love, and mercy. What would go be prone to go towards, then? weakness, stupidity, foolishness, hate (or indifference? probably hate), and revenge (vengeance, punishment, justice?)...? Those would seem to be opposites. And those would seem to be a fair amount of the evil that is so prevalent today. Sad.

Are humans prone to evil? Shoot son! That is quite the question, isn't it? Quite the accusation, if nothing else!

After all this, has God changed? Hebrews 13:8 says no. Malachi 3:6 would seem to also say no. Hosea 11:8 seems to show that God can, and has, and maybe still does change. Does God change? His ways are above our ways, and His thoughts are above our thoughts. If we change, is that not less than not-change? Which is 'greater' or 'better': a thing that changes, or a thing that does not change?

And if God does not change, then how does He feel when He looks on the earth? (Genesis 6:5-6 comes to mind.) But what about Luke 15? "For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate."

There is a party because of the child that was found; The child that was brought back to life. That does not suggest pain or regret.

Romans. That is what is going to happen. Keep me accountable, ask me about it, make sure it happens. I am going to post some of my thoughts on Romans. If you have suggestions of things I should look at 'extra' let me know. If you have something you want my opinion on, let me know. If you have anything else you want to tell me, let me know :)

Wisdom Writing

This is what I have observed to be good: that it is appropriate for a person to eat, to drink and to find satisfaction in their toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given them—for this is their lot. Moreover, when God gives someone wealth and possessions, and the ability to enjoy them, to accept their lot and be happy in their toil—this is a gift of God. They seldom reflect on the days of their life, because God keeps them occupied with gladness of heart.

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20

Oh gosh. It is too late to type things now, right? I think so. I'm going to take my own advice, and go to bed before I die.

And we know...

that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

For we live by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done

Are you done forgiving?

Oh can you look past my pretending Lord?

I'm so tired of defending what I've become...what have I become?

Times - Tenth Avenue North

Now obviously TAN does not write Scripture, but God can still speak through us today, right? Even if those words are not God's, I feel like they still have the capacity to act as a prayer for those of us who are wandering through this world. Maybe even for those of us who know where we are going in this world. haha today, I am with the former group of people. (I had to look up the difference between 'former' and 'latter' to be sure.)

So, what is it I am getting at now? I know the feeling that I am trying to write about. I do not know which words to use. Otherwise I would (hopefully) not be ranting like this. Rambling. Whatever it is.

Have you felt like that before? Where you really want to talk about something, there is just something that you want to let out! But how?? As long as it stays within your chest, you can feel it making a more significant and more noticeable impact.

Anyway, the past couple of days, I have not been feeling so great. I've been really tired, especially the past couple of weeks. Seriously, more tired than I can remember being ever before. It is not because of work, it is simply because I have (relatively) early classes. And I am not good at going to bed at a decent time. Now, I am not sure if it is just physical tiredness, but something has been causing me to feel mentally/emotionally drained as well. I noticed it mostly on Wednesday. As long as I am in class, I don't notice the mental side of it too much. But as soon as I was done with classes on Wednesday, I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep for several hours. Obviously, I did not do that.

Instead, I hoped it would get better. And it did, for a time. Prayer group is always great, encouraging, and I like being around other Christians. Especially ones that I get to see on a semi-daily basis :)

But, alas, this leads to another late night, which is followed by an early morning. Sort of. I know it isn't actually early, but it feels like it. Instead of getting up and seeing people that I always enjoy being around, I went back to sleep. I don't like that. I don't like being that tired. Yet here I am...pushing the limits, knowing and somewhat hoping that I will crash, possibly tomorrow. Knowing I will crash because, hey, everyone has their limits; everyone has a breaking point (as I call it). Hoping, because I know that when that finally happens...maybe I will get it through my thick pride that I need to rely on God more. (thick hide, thick pride, get it? I just realized that O_o)

So here I am. Another late night. Feeling somewhat lonely, mostly tired, and having this feeling in my chest that I know is real, and wondering what it means. What it is, where it comes from. I trust that God has a plan for it, and I am confident that everything will turn out just great. And again, I can move onto something else...as if the feeling were transformed, changed into something so much better. And by what? Naught else but worship music. Thinking about and thanking God for what He has done. For His great love. For His endless blessings. For His ^{great power}. For His ^me_rc^y. Remembering and re-realizing who God is.

haha Ok I will admit, I just started having fun with that after a while...knowing some HTML has its benefits ;)

Lead me to Your heart

Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out

Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down

Rid me of myself, I belong to You

Oh lead me, lead me to the cross

There is just something about music, isn't there? I have heard it called the language of the soul...I think I can understand why. Words have their limits. They have specific (or vague) definitions. Music on the other hand...it can mean the same thing to hundreds of people, or it can mean several different things to several different people, or it can just captivate you. I suppose I should have put 'and/or' for each of those 'or's.

When did music come about? When was that skill evolved?

When did art appear in human history? Why was that important?

Eh. Another time.

For now...bed time?

I hope so.

God is good. And you are His child. He loves you more than words can express. More than matter can show. And more than you can understand. You are made in His image; you are beautiful, you are lovely. You are more than what you have done. You are more than who you have become (to quote The Lion King). In God, you are who you were meant to be. In your weakness, His strength becomes more evident. Hosanna in the highest!