Sunday, May 8, 2011

It's Kind of a Funny Story

Um...I want to kill myself...
{hands over paperwork}
--Oh great...that will help people, won't it? I know it is supposed to be funny...but is it accurate? When a person comes to us with something they need help we give them help, or a process? I know those may be the same...but paperwork?

Man, you are stressed out for 16. You need to relax.

I thought you guys could do something quick...I didn't think I'd be committed... 5 days? I can't be here till Thursday...I'll miss school, and my friends will find out where I am.
Depression is nothing to be ashamed of.

Some of the people here are.. really messed up.

They're professionals, they can help you in ways that..we..can't...
--Letting go is tough, isn't it? But is it better than holding on?

You should know, Craig, if you don't open up, you're never gonna heal.
--Is this true? And if it is not, how will you heal on your own? They say that time heals all things. Is that true?

Well I have 8 dollars..
Well you don't have to brag about it! People here have nothing. Show a little humility!

Why'd you stop taking [Zoloft]?
I guess I felt like I didn't need it..
Maybe that means it was working :)

Do you have anyone you can explain it to? Friends? Family?
I have friends..and family but, its not always easy.

--He puts school high on his list of priorities. He keeps asking if he can get out so he can go to school... That kinda makes me sad.

Yeah, I don't get wrapped up in a bunch of stuff I don't have.
--Who does? Do you? Do I? How do you know?

Why won't you accept [his offer of kindness]?
Because I don't want any handouts.
--Is that pride? Or is it a legitimate reason?

I see a therapist...yeah, it's pretty embarrassing.
--Why is it embarrassing? Because we don't have it together? And if everyone is embarrassed that they don't have it together...what does that mean?

I guess..I didn't really want to kill myself. But I kind of did. Does that make sense?

--He is so concerned about being around people who are different than him. Why does that make us uncomfortable?

There is so nothing wrong with you!
Yes there is!
--Is there something to be gained by admitting that we have a problem?

I don't have any friends.
This is very tough thing to learn.
--The truth can hurt..and the truth will set you free... What do you think about those statements?

You shouldn't stress about it. That doesn't mean it isn't important, though.
--Is that conflicting in any way? Why or how? And have you ever heard anyone say something like that before?

And was that difficult, seeing Bobby like that?
I was scared..seeing someone fall apart like that. All the stress and pressure and anxiety just bubbling up. But I'm never able to let it out like that, I always keep it inside.

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I can't change, the courage for the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

It's like, get a clue dad! There is something bigger going on.
And what is that?
I don't know, but it feels big.
--Have you ever thought about that?

There are some cool people in here.
--When is that true? Where is that true? What determines whether or not it is true? Does it have to deal with how well you know the people there?

Cool Craig what are you afraid of? c'mon!

Why can't we give love a chance?
--What would that involve? And, instead of thinking about the risks, what are the potential gains? What are the potential gains that we don't know/think about, too?

You've really gotta get out of the room more...there is a whole world out there.
--Quite the perspective change :)

Well, I like her, but I think I'd be too nervous to ask her out.
What are you nervous about?
Man, you can't let you live by fear. Otherwise you might end up like Muqtada. Or you might end up like me.
That is the part where you say 'Your life is not that bad.'
Oh, sorry...
--Let's be honest, who is not nervous or afraid of rejection?

And I've uh..tried to kill myself 6 times.
I thought about doing that...but I couldn't.
Well what stopped you?
My family I think...knowing how bad I'd mess them up.
See, that's the part I don't get, Craig. I mean, you're cool, you're smart, you're talented. You have a family that loves you. You know, what I would do just to be you, for just a day? I would... I would do so much. I would... I don't know. I would just... I'd just live. Like it meant something.
--What do we take for granted? Do you see the things that others see in you? In your life?

This is enough for one day, I think.
--Baby steps. Baby steps :)

--The breaking point. Here it is. He is looking at the drawing... 'Under Pressure'
Things are going to change now. Let's see what happens :)

You've had it figured out all along...never get out of the bed.
--Back to this logic. Why? He was hurt. He got rejected. Twice. Shot down. Turned away.

Being not busy being born is busy dying.

[There are so many people struggling to live...]

Have you told [your dad] how you feel?
Not yet.
But you will?
....I think so.

So you're in love with her?
Well of course not. You thought she was hot, so you told her what you thought she wanted to hear.
--Boom roasted.

I like how you don't hide your problems like everyone else. And I don't feel like I have to hide mine when I'm around you.
--How freeing is that? Have you experienced it?

So, how come you never asked me why?
I guess I just assumed you would tell me when you wanted me to know.

I know I might hide it pretty well, but I get that depression stuff too, sometimes. Don't kill yourself, k? Seriously..
{bro hug}

--It is amazing what happens when you get to know a person as a person. When you get to know what they like and don't like. Who they've been and who they don't want to be. (haha I know I'm quoting The Fray, but I think it is true :P) You can really help someone to be who they were meant to be.

It'll come to ya!

Okay, I know you're thinking, "What is this? Kid spends a few days in the hospital and all his problems are cured?" But I'm not. I know I'm not. I can tell this is just the beginning. I still need to face my homework, my school, my friends. My dad. But the difference between today and last Saturday is that for the first time in a while, I can look forward to the things I want to do in my life. Bike, eat, drink, talk. Ride the subway, read, read maps. Make maps, make art. Finish the Gates application. Tell my dad not to stress about it. Hug my mom. Kiss my little sister. Kiss my dad. Make out with Noelle. Make out with her more. Take her on a picnic. See a movie with her. See a movie with Aaron. Heck, see a movie with Nia. Have a party. Tell people my story. Volunteer at 3 North. Help people like Bobby. Like Muqtada. Like me. Draw more. Draw a person. Draw a naked person. Draw Noelle naked. Run, travel, swim, skip. Yeah, I know it's lame, but, whatever. Skip anyway. Breathe... Live.

--Now the movie is over. And here are some of my last thoughts :)
The dad. Too focused on work to notice what his son is going through. Too focused on work to notice what his son actually cares about. To notice what the 'bigger thing' is.
What happens when we get focused on one thing? Or even a couple of things? Is it better to focus on one or a few things? Or is it better to keep a wide view?

This could be very important for your future.
But what about now??
--This is from the deleted scenes, but I feel like it is so true...we concern ourselves so much with the future, it seems. Is it such that we are so focused on the future that we forget about the present?
Gah, I know I do sometimes. I start thinking about what I want to do after college, but before that what classes I have to take, and what if I don't graduate in four years? and what if I don't graduate at all? What would happen if I just sort of went off and did something that everyone did not expect?
But I have to be reminded that I am living now. I am living here. I am not living in the future, and I am not living 'there', wherever 'there' may be. I may do something that no one expects, but I would have to do it now, wouldn't I? I know there is planning involved, but eh. An idea I have heard: We figure out the what, and leave the how up to God. What do you think about that phrase?

I know I asked a lot of questions in this one. That may be because I liked the movie, and I felt like it was pretty easy to identify with the main character. It might be because I have wanted to see this for a while. It might be because I simply opened up my 'questioning mechanism' a little more. Or perhaps it would be better stated that I lessened the filtering I do from my mind to my typing. I ask a lot of questions. And I ask because I want to get to know you. So if you feel like I am asking too much, just let me know. I'll stop asking questions for a while :)
But I will still want to get to know you more ;)


  1. Wow! You asked a lot of questions! I'll just answer the ones that I have the most thoughts on. :)

    Soo....I use to think that time heals all things...but I'm starting to abandon that thought and go with that opening up is a healer instead. In some cases, time heals things on it's own. But there can be bigger problems that really can't be healed by time. I've let some stuff go for long periods of time without opening up and I don't feel like it things are really healed...they're just temporarily out of mind.

    I haven't ever watched this movie, but the part about the kid putting school high on his list of priorities...I can understand that. I feel like wanting to go back to school is just a distraction or that going back to school is the easiest thing to think about. that a matter of pride, or is it a legitimate reason? Well...perhaps it is both? I don't know what this offer of kindness was, but I know that I turn down acts of kindness all the time. And I'm not convinced that I do it out of pride. I often turn down offers just because I don't want to be a burden to others and I don't necessarily want to be shown acts of kindness.

    Your question--"is there somthing to be gained by admitting that we have a problem?"
    Is there something to be gained if we admit nothing?

    "You shouldn't stress about it. That doesn't mean it isn't important, though." I tell myself that sort of thing all the time. And I find that it's pretty conflicting because it makes sense to stress about something that is important and it makes sense that important things would cause you stress.

    Not having to hide your problems from someone feels really nice. I have a friend that I don't have to hide my problems from and it's really helpful to me because many of my problems are insecurites...and she helps me get rid of those. I guess what's so nice about it is that when you don't have to hide your problems from someone, you know your relationship with them is true and that they accept you and all of your problems.

    I don't believe a wide view or a focused view is suitable for life. I think we need both. I know that sometimes a wide view on life doesn't look very promising, but a focused view looks good and visa versa. I try and keep both views in mind, though.

    Hopefully what I said makes sense :) I haven't read through all the stuff that I wrote and it was kinda hard to refer to each individual part of your post that I wanted to talk about...but eh {shrugs shoulders}

  2. I think you make a good point about time healing things, or opening up healing things. Merely putting it out of your mind does not make a problem go away, and if it is something that keeps coming back then opening up is a way to let it out sometimes.

    Ohh, I did not think about school being a distraction...that is another good point!

    I think that is a common reason to not want offers of kindness, that people don't want to be a burden. But if the person is offering, do you think it would make them happier to help you? Or would they actually prefer it if you said 'No'? Also, why would you not want an offer of kindness? Er, I guess it was, why would you not want to be shown acts of kindness?

    haha just because I ask a question does not mean that I disagree with something ;) I think that by asking questions we can find out why we think what we do, and when we find that out, it is easier to talk about things. It is easier to tell others what we think, and also why we think it. So, no, I do not think there is anything to be gained by not admitting that we have a problem.

    Why would important things cause you to stress? Or, what are some 'important' things that you stress about? And why do you stress about them?

    That is good to hear :) and relationships like that are great, because you can be so open and honest with the person...I'm not sure if I have fully experienced something like that, but it sounds absolutely refreshing and freeing :)

    Keeping things down the middle, I like that :)

    And I think I can understand that...I kinda went all over this place with this post. Thank you for answering some of my questions! That is pretty much what I was hoping for :)

  3. Kindness: I'm not always convinced that people want you to say yes when offered something out of kindness. And as far as why I don't like being shown acts of kindness...some of it is pride and some of it is 'not being worth it' and some of it is that I doubt the person's intentions...
    The pride thing is just the fact that if I can do something myself, I am going to do it myself. I don't need anyone else's help and I don't want anyone else's help. The thing about not being worth it is that I feel like people should be nice to others but not to me. I don't expect anyone to be kind to me and I will turn down kindness because I don't want people to be kind to me. In my mind, kindness equates to caring about someone on some sort of level...and I don't neccessarily want to know that people care about me (but obviously people do care about me). And the last thing about doubting is just that I'm never sure if the person actually wants to be kind to me or if they're doing it because the should or because it's the right thing to do.

    Stress: I'm not really up for talking about the things that stress me out. But I will say that important things stress me out because I usually have to "fix" something that is hard to fix or that I don't know how to fix.

  4. Hey McKinzie...I know you don't want this (so you say :P ) but...
    I care about you :) and I am glad we are friends :)
    Also, thank you for sharing this, I really appreciate it! I should probably warn you, I will try to ask you about this when I see you again ;)

    And as far as their motivation goes, is it important as to why they are doing what they do?

    Ahh, I can see how that would be stressful. Trying to do something that you don't know how to do or don't understand is frustrating to me too!

    You are worth it. If anyone says otherwise, ask questions. Find the truth. You are worth it :)

  5. Motivation: Motives are important to me because I do kind things because I feel like I an obligation to do it. (Which by the way, I very rarely feel like I have an obligation to do things for my friends. I want to do nice things for my friends.) And I wonder if my friends act out of a feeling of obligation too because I feel like doing something out of obligation is deceptive if the person takes it as genuine kindness (which I would expect most people to view an act of kindness as genuine kindness).

    No one tells me I'm not worth it. I tell myself I'm not worth it...I haven't been telling myself that as much lately/I'm starting to feel like 'I'm not worth it' isn't a vaild statement anymore.

    And I don't know how to react to the rest of your comment....there are lots of things going through my mind right now. :P However, one thing for sure is that I care about you too and I am very happy that we are friends :)

  6. --Letting go is tough, isn't it? But is it better than holding on?
    Letting go is extremely difficult. In most cases, I think it is better. I think we all have a difficult time with change, or at least I do. I often don't want to accept that things have to be different. But wouldn't it be even more scary if everything always stayed the same?

    --Is this true? And if it is not, how will you heal on your own? They say that time heals all things. Is that true?
    I think it definitely helps talking with people to break down your barriers and begin the healing process. But I also think you can heal on your own - as long as you are honest with yourself - writing is a great way to begin healing. I think it provides a way to "let go" of what's been bothering you.

    --Is there something to be gained by admitting that we have a problem?
    "The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." I think this statement holds true. It is crucial to the healing process.

    --The truth can hurt..and the truth will set you free... What do you think about those statements?
    I would rather be told the truth and hurt than lied to to protect my feelings. It is soooo much worse when you find out that someone lied directly to your face about something they did behind your back. In a way it is freeing because you find out who your true friends are. But in another respect the pain of it all can hold you back.

    --What do we take for granted?
    I take a lot of things for granted. My life being one of them. Sometimes I just don't want to be here and I start to wonder what it would be like if I weren't. But then I think how much that would hurt the people who actually do love me, and I come to my senses.

    We figure out the what, and leave the how up to God. What do you think about that phrase?
    I love it. I have a bracelet that says "Live in the Present," it is one of my favorites because I often get so wrapped up in what tomorrow will hold that I forget about today, and it is just a nice little reminder.

    I feel like I should watch this movie now....

  7. By the way, I like that you asked a lot of questions in this post...they're interesting to think about. Keep writing...please and thanks :)

  8. Anonymous, thank you for your thoughts! I like hearing what you have to say :)

    and McKinzie, I shall keep writing and asking questions :) Same to you!!
    ...please and thanks :)

  9. By the way, I just finished reading the book recently, and I liked it a lot. It just left me feeling good inside, maybe hopeful, I don't know. It is a happy ending, which is nice. And i think the author does a good job of drawing you in..I mean, you want Craig to get better because you just like him.
    Anyway..there are some really good things from that book that I wanted to blog about too..and I don't know if I will. Partly because I borrowed the book from a friend last August :P but yes..I want to start reading more :) And I will most likely put up some blogs about it too! yay!